book
i had a knowing
all this time
that what i will do
is bring out a book to tell some truths
i had a fear
all this time
that i don‘t know how to
that noone would want what i have to say
that i don‘t even know what to say
that i can‘t and won‘t and what‘s the point
furthermore
everyone is writing now
bringing out a book?
wanting to be an author?
is so trending and just so cringe
i felt ashamed that i want to bring out a book
but then again
i had this knowing
so i sat down
took 20 minutes out of my day
and wrote an essay/preamble
without thinking
without even believing
that this would be any good
enough
i was surprised
that some tears arised
i was surprised
how easy it was
so i sent it out to some friends
and they told me very lovely things
but then again
maybe they are so lovely
cause they like me
maybe they are so lovely
cause the truths were shocking
and they felt the urge to react so lovely
can you see where i‘m going with this?
how long it took to realize this?
what i was doing...
sabotaging it
i continued with things that wasn‘t that cringe
with things that felt more safe
more comfortable
because i was used to being miserable
i was so miserable overtime that i gave in
and connected to the divine
i sat there in the middle of the night
everyone was quiet
i saw colors so bright
i felt energy full of life
i grasped presence of angelique lights
and suddenly i asked
what should i do with my life?
should i write this book?
i wanted to feel cringe and ashamed
to have used this mystical moment for this
but i didn‘t had the time to feel bad or think
because the second i finished my question
my mouth was opened in milli seconds
opened wide
so wide
i think not even my dentist knew
that this is even possible
it felt like angelique force is opening my mouth to spit out a YES
more like throwing up a YES
like how much signs do you need you ‚idiot‘
to act on your beliefs?
in a very lovely aggressive way
and still i was like fxxx
is this really happening to me right now?
still open mouth
still colors all around
still thinking how can this be
what this did to me...?
hmm... maybe you would think that
now i knew
i sat down
wrote a book
bla bla bla
nope
nooooooo
it took me at least another year to finally be even more miserable and sick on top of it
then weirdly i thought i got another sign
the sign of a person i knew
and is in publishing
popping up in my head
in my feed
and in my heart
i sent this essay that i had to her
and waited for her answer to appear
she said its lovely its fine
but what is the story line?
is it your story?
is it a short story?
where are you going with this?
i would like to know all this
i wanted to reply
i would like to know it as well
it was a friday
why did i put myself in this position
pitching a book to a publisher
i have no condition
no pages
no results
no book
no clue
i have 2 days till it‘s a monday
and i have to say something
to be able to answer the whole thing
i sat there sick and exhausted
with a tiny book
actually it was more like random pair of paper
on my tiny balcony
in my pyjamas
let‘s be honest
i still wasn‘t honoring me
or my intuition
at all
but hey
i grabbed pen and papers
so without that
the following wouldn‘t be happening
i told the universe
ok guys
here i am
willing to write anything
you told me i should write
now give me something
i‘m ready
here i am
if this is what you wanted me to get
take advantage out of it
now
please
nothing.. a few seconds past.. and nothing
i am a very inpatient being
i admit
then i decided to just write
just start
i‘m just gonna write what i see
in front of me
out on my tiny balcony
was a tomatoe plant
so i wrote what i saw in it
in english ?
and it rhymed?
and suddendly it was a poem
about the meaning of life?!
whaaaaaat the hellll?
but i didn‘t had time to think
and wonder and be in aww
i was busy downloading about a 100 poems in the next couple of days
a week later
i wrote a complete collection of poetry‘s
a book
i wrote
i cried
i wrote
i cried
i wrote
i laughed and cried
i couldn‘t believe what my hands were doing
that i was channeling
in english
poetry
really?
so easy
so joyfull
by the way
on the following monday
i answered all her questions
and sent out a collection
of what i was channeling
sorry to have to say this now
but my struggles wasn‘t over now
another year past
why? you wanna ask?
because i‘m an artist
and an artist should do illustrations
for each poem
it has to be good
and cover art also
and then i have to find a publisher
okay
i gave in
i‘m gonna be cringe
and self publish this thing
but the cover
ok - fxx the cover
i‘m gonna make sunprints
also cringe
but whatever
this thing needs to see the light of the day
it can‘t wait
ok
i‘m just gonna use the few illustrations
i already made
sunprint cover
and 20 tiktoks to promote
and then this is out
finally
out
!!!!
i hope people will get me
love me
appreciate me
i hope it helps people
but i really hope people will see me
oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
wow
suddendly while writing these lines
i realize
i have worth
i see me
i allow help
i allow support and love into my life
i know that this will help millions of people
i know this is what millions of people need to hear
i needed this journey
to fully welcome my healing energies
to believe in my abilities
to learn how to honor me
to give me worth and allow magic into my world
the past years
this journey
was rising up to my calling
rising up to a new awareness
healing old wounds and releasing what i built while being wounded in the old
now i am something else
someone else
i‘m becoming someone new
but the new is not quite there yet
it‘s about to
i‘m new enough to know
what i need to do
is planning a celebration
a launch
to welcome the transition
and to honor me
finally